Practicing as a nurse , I have experienced many different challenges with a range of emotions felt throughout every shift. The most difficult part for me has always been the emotional aspect of nursing and working in health care. Watching patients suffer is something that never gets easier. Working in a pediatric cardiac ICU , I see some of the sickest babies with the toughest lives ahead of them, and none of them did anything to deserve their diagnosis or the difficult road. I continuously learn something new at work every shift, which is part of why I love nursing. Each day is different, and no two patients are the same.
One shift that sticks out to me and has helped shape my practice is my first code. At the end of my orientation as a new grad, I was assigned to a sick baby on the unit. I heard on report that the baby wasn’t doing well all night. My preceptor and I went into the room at the start of our shift, and shortly after, the baby turned a blue-grey color, went unresponsive, and red alarms started ringing on the monitor. I could hardly process what was happening, and before I knew it, my preceptor hit the code bell, and the next thing I knew, the room was filled with people. I stood there looking like a deer in headlights, not knowing what I should be doing or how to help, while everyone around me slipped into different roles without any background on the patient.
I have participated in mock codes before, but that didn’t fully prepare me for all the emotions I felt as I saw my patient’s status change within a few seconds. My mind went utterly blank, and I was frozen in the corner. I was trying to think what I should be doing to help while also feeling terrified that the patients I care for are so fragile. The team that fell in place amazed me. Compressions were quickly started, meds were drawn up, and a provider called out different orders.
I remember looking over and seeing the patient’s mom, who was hysterical. She was being consoled and escorted out of the room by one of the managers on the floor. Witnessing the baby’s mother is what hit me the hardest. I couldn’t imagine what I would do if that were my child in that situation. Watching all these healthcare workers take over and immediately start working on your child is something that no parent should ever have to experience.
I never wanted to feel that helpless and out of place again. Before that shift, I was always nervous to get involved and assist in codes because I didn’t know what I was doing. After that day, I told myself I would continuously look for new learning experiences, even if I was nervous about a situation or opportunity. I knew the more codes I exposed myself to, the more confident I would be the next time my patient decompensated on me. This experience made me realize that I wanted to be comfortable in uncomfortable situations and as prepared for any situation that came my way.
Even though I knew I needed to expose myself to as many new learning opportunities as possible, it took me a while to bounce back from that situation. All I thought about during work and outside of work was that code. I wasn't confident in myself as a nurse anymore and wasn’t sure I had what it took to work in this high-pressure environment. At the end of my orientation, my preceptor told me that I would have good days and bad days at work and would make mistakes along the way. But it's how I change my practice after those mistakes that define my type of nurse. This made me realize that I have put so much time and effort into my nursing career, and I deserve to be where I am. In the past, I have made mistakes or wished I handled situations differently, but reflecting on those experiences has made me a better nurse. Now I want to be the one helping out in any scary or uncertain situation and because of this I can learn something new at work every day.